October 21, How do you Grow?

Growing out of this grief, making myself look really hard at it, trying to find a solution to help myself, is one of the hardest challenges that I have ever set for myself. Just being able to open up has helped so much. I almost didn't post the days that I wrote about my father's death. I almost couldn't... eventually, after thinking about it, praying about it, and rereading those posts... I did.

Knowing that the world didn't end after posting was kind of a relief.

NO, I didn't really think that the world would end somehow if I posted about my father's murder. I just didn't think that I wanted other people to know... that coping mechanism of ... if no one knows, they can't think of me in a different light... kind of took over for a bit.

I never wanted to stand out in any way, I didn't want to be looked at as different...

Oops, too late... I already stick out like a sore thumb... adding something like the truth about my father's death isn't going to be a big deal.  I think that I needed to actually just share. Even if no one reads this blog, I feel like I did it.

So, how do you grow? How do you feel like you are not just wallowing in self-pity, or just wallowing in the sorrow, or the fear? This is what is needed in not just me, but in all my family members, to grow out of the pain.

I heard a quote the other day, I don' t know where it came from but it was appropriate... Stop worrying over what might have been and look forward to what can be.

Wow, that is a great quote.

The Wiki-How article that I happened onto had a section about avoiding the triggers in your life that caused grief. One of the things listed was birthdays... which is something that I avoided at all costs. Not my husband's birthday, but that of my son's. You see, we were in the middle of having my son's sixth birthday party when my husband collapsed and died.

For the next four or five years, we were away from home on my son's birthday. More for me than for my son. Though I don't think he really noticed or that it bothered him, but I didn't want to be home on that day. So I found so many other places we could be. We celebrated the first year by a trip to the zoo, the next, a trip to see his sister, another year, spending it with friends, another... well, you get the idea. I simply, and possibly without really thinking about it too much, found ways to be away from home on the anniversary of my husband's death.

Did that help?

Maybe. At least it gave me time to slow it down, that process of pain, and have a breather from the reminders that my husband collapsed in the back yard, and there was nothing I could do but CPR, and hope that the paramedics would hurry.

Did this help to grow? No.

It helped me to avoid, not grow. When I finally decided that we had to stay home, it was because school wasn't out and my son couldn't miss anymore... so we literally had to stay home. I didn't have a choice in the matter. So, the pain was there, the pain was real, but I was able to deal with it in a better way I think. It wasn't such an open wound.

One good idea that other people have given me over the years is to give back in my husband's name. To donate to charity in his name. One of his brothers bought a tile that has my husband's name on it in the AT&T stadium... which is both an honor and kind of a joke. My husband loved football, he always rooted for the Washington Redskins, mostly out of wanting to be the instigator of discord in the house! His family were devout Dallas Cowboy fans, so he stirred up trouble by rooting for their arch rivals...

So having that as a reminder that he is deep in the heart of Texas, always brings a smile to me. He was also memorialized by having money donated to a scholarship in his name. My husband would have loved this. He wanted so much for our son to go on to college and to make something of himself, but he also wanted other kids to have the chance to learn and better themselves. I know that this would make him proud.

How else can you give back? I have donated time to charities, which has really made me feel better. I know that allowing myself to stay busy is in a way, delaying some of the pain, but it is also helping other people. Over the years I have been part of numerous organizations, donating money and time to all of them. Volunteering at the school has been the most rewarding. Helping to make school a better place has been at the top of my list since my son was little. I try  to volunteer as often as possible, and now I'm on the Booster Board for my son's high school band. That takes up a lot of hours, does it help?

Yes!

This takes up time but it is not 'avoiding the pain' kind of time. It is a very useful tool for the growth of my son, making sure that the uniforms are mended, props are completed, and that they are fed and on time... that is helping him to be better and the whole band to be better... so that, to me, is a growing tool for me. I am doing something that his father would have loved, and I know that if he was alive, he would have been up there helping out as well.

October 20-- Don't Rush it

For me, watching my mother go through changes quickly, probably brought a bit of stubbornness when my own husband passed away, I think that I was thinking of something along the lines of this quote all along. I saw my mother get rid of things because they reminded her of my father and of the pain that it brought her. Things like his car, which she really didn't need to keep, but maybe my brothers would have wanted it... she sold the house, moved us very quickly, I could see that, because she was terrified about the people that killed her husband, worried that they might come and hurt us.... but there were other things, like her wedding ring, she got a smaller ring that she didn't wear much... that was something that was shocking to me, that she got rid of something that was so very bonding...

Anyway, I really took it to heart that you shouldn't make decisions quickly after losing a spouse. I didn't want to change anything. I eventually, after a year, boxed up clothing out of my husband's closet. I didn't remove everything though. The jeans and shirt that he took off that day when he got in from work were still laying over his chair for a couple of years. I just couldn't move them.

There are so many things that you shouldn't do right after the death of a spouse... People need to stop and think about this way before it happens to them... and should think before they try to rush anyone who is grieving. Matter of fact, PLEASE do NOT rush someone into any type of decision after the death of a loved one.

It is tremendously hard on a person to make decisions while they are in grief. I was researching about grief and found this appropriate quote in, of all places, Wiki How...

"... in the loss of your spouse, you have faced a drastic change. It is best not to make any other drastic changes right away while you are still navigating your loss."

I wish someone had told my mother this.

I chose to stay in my husband's house, the one that he had bought with his first wife, as a way to keep my son grounded, I suppose. That and the thought that it was going to be  hard to sell the house without some major overhauls. I think it was the right decision. My son doesn't like change. He likes to be settled, on an even keel every day, I have to confess that I do as well. I think that is one of the things that I loved about my husband. He liked to be settled every day as well. Grounded.

My husband lived, for the greater share of his life, within a mile of where he grew up.  That is to say, he bought a house, got married, then bought another house within one  mile of the house his parents bought when they moved here when he was 2. When I met him, I thought this was wonderful! I had grown up in a family and married into a life of transfers from town to town, state to state. I had lived in numerous houses and towns, not ever feeling grounded. I thought it was quaint, and really nice that he lived like he did.

Changes happen quickly when you become a widow. I had to go back to work quickly, since we had decided that staying home was best while I was pregnant and while our son was little, I had quit my job and really enjoyed being home with my son and the quick addition of my grandson. Going back to work was really difficult for me.

The job that I took was the first that was not the first offered to me, but it was the second, and I didn't think it would be right for me, but it has turned out to be a more stable job than most, so I have been with it for ten years now. Maybe it wasn't a rash decision,  but some women, after staying home and find they are left in the predicament of being sole breadwinner, often do take jobs that are not right, are not stable, and that only adds to the financial burden as well as the stress that is brought on by the whole situation.

Other things that can cause undue burden and stress can be as simple as cleaning house.

I could not take the clothes from off the back of the chair where my husband had laid his work clothes after coming home that day. They stayed there for over a year. I just couldn't do it. I did, after a year, clean out my husband's closet. I sat and cried, packed a few things, sat and cried...

Never had I thought that I would need to clean his closet out. That was his domain, his sanctuary, and his store room... I didn't go in there except to hang clothes. That was the one place in the house that he was able to put away presents, keep his important memorabilia, and outdated clothes that he really loved and didn't want to get rid of.

Crying over the toys I knew he had bought for our son and grandson was enough to set me into jagged tears. I boxed most of his things, especially the toys, etc. I have, over the years, given gifts every year in his name... things that he had bought, things he had stashed away...

Other things of my husband's, like his jerseys and footballs, basketballs, baseballs, baseball cards... are now packed away, awaiting a time when my son will go through and pick what he wants to keep. I don't think it was my place to get rid of any of it. I can't make the decision to get rid of things that my son might want to keep.

When his father died, he was way too young to make decisions of what to keep or not, so, I have kept most of the stuff... Even if he was older, I probably would have kept the stuff... I don't think you have the presence to decide what you want to keep, like class rings, or some trinket or anything for that matter, especially when you are a kid.

So, maybe I have hoarded things for a long time... maybe it is time to start to get rid of things tha tmay b e unnecessary to keep. Maybe that will help to come out of this state of suspension... but I'm not sure my son is ready to choose the things he wants to keep...

October 19 Getting Remarried

Discord within the family?

Does a person create it when they choose to remarry after the death of a loved one? In many cases, I would suspect that it does. In my own case, watching my own mother remarry after years of being single after the death of my father, it was not, at least to me, unusual.

My grandmother did not remarry after my grandfather passed away, nor did our family friends who had lost husbands, but they were all older. My mother, after being married for 32 years, was a widow, but not of natural causes, and she was still relatively young.

I had no problem with her decision to date, nor of her decision to remarry. However, it did teach me a very good lesson: Do not remarry someone that is not going to make you happy.

Oh, I suspect that my mother was tremendously happy at first. She really loved her second husband, they had a lot of fun together, and he was handsome, a hard worker, and he was nice to us, her children. But he drank. He drank too much, and that was the downfall. He got belligerent when he drank too much, and I don't think in all the years that my parents were married, they had a serious fight. I mean, they had spats, my mother cried when she didn't get her way, but they didn't have rows.

Feeling betrayal is probably a very real feeling for someone who is close to a widow who remarries, though I never felt that, I could imagine my son feeling that. He was just six when his father died. It was terribly painful for him, and I know that he would probably feel like I have forgotten his father if I just up and married quickly.

He has seen me grow, to become stronger over the years, able to support him and raise him in the way his father wanted him to grow up.  We discuss his father a lot. I don't want him to ever forget the little things that he will probably forget over the years. We go and sit at the cemetery, which is one privilege that I didn't have, my father was buried near his home town, and we talk about his dad. It is heartbreaking at times, but usually we leave feeling a bit better, a bit more grounded.

Visiting the grave should be a joyous and peaceful thing, with time to reflect on good times and how fun and wonderful the family member was. I remind my son of things that his father did with him, like carrying him on his shoulders and ducking under doorways, which my son always giggled over... or how when he was sick as a baby, he laid on his dad's chest and slept... those things that make him remember his father as that loving person that he was.

If I remarried, I would do the same. One of the people that I dated, I guess you would call it dating... maybe more like befriended,  has come with us to the graveyard. Has been there while we put out flowers, laid a rock on the headstone, and sat and talked... it is kind of nice, to share that with someone else. To know that it isn't odd, or maybe it is and my friend just didn't say anything to the contrary?

Whichever it is, it is us. We have bonded during these visits, and my son sees that I still care deeply about his father. I guess I want him to know that his father is still there, still fresh in our minds, still relevant. I  go by myself at times, I go through the same ritual. I put out flowers, lay a rock on the headstone, and sit on the bench near it. The only difference is that I sit and cry. I don't do that when my son is with me. I don't want him to see me cry all the time, I did that too much when the death was new. I want him to think that I am better, that it is ok to grieve then to remember in fond ways...

Is that normal?

I don' t have a clue anymore of what is normal and what isn't. But I am trying to grow, bit by bit, into a stronger person that my son thinks that I am.

October 18 Remarriage...

The article from the Huffington Post that I mentioned yesterday was really interesting. According to Carol Brody Fleet in her article, "Forget-Me-Bever: The Reality of Remarriage After Widowhood", the idea of being remarried nulls the thoughts of your dead spouse.

Really?

Yes, this is what some people think. Myself? I don't think you can ever forget or stop loving someone that you have been married to, ever... I was married before and divorced. That in itself is a touchy subject to many... but because I got divorced doesn't mean that I didn't or don't love my ex. Seriously, you don't just stop loving someone, even if they do really bad things and you begin to hate them enough to divorce them... you still love them. You still have that past with them...

I think Ms. Fleet said it well when she wrote about this myth:
"(it) implies that once remarried, the life previously lived somehow fades into oblivion because the widowed has now found new life with a new love in it."

This is so true, I know other widows that are remarried and still grieving. They are probably grieving just as much as I am. I wonder how it is with their current spouses. Do they feel jealousy? Would I be able to be a spouse to someone who was grieving the loss of a wife? I would love that person because they are holding that love close to their hearts, but at the same time, I probably would have some jealousy.

Petty to say that, but it is the truth for me.

I haven't remarried yet. I still hold out the possibility, but it is really slight. Don't get me wrong, I am not currently seeking a new spouse, but I am not adverse to the thought of finding someone that I would want to marry. But boy, they would have to be pretty special. The thought that someone would have to take on the role of being a spouse to me, a person who is still grieving, and to be the father to a son that is, by all rights, still grieving the loss of his father... boy, those are giant shoes to fill.

I have dated, though, honestly, only two people have been worthy of my attention, and one didn't really make it past the first... almost date.

I just haven't found someone that is really worthy of me. It took me a long time to feel like this. That I am just not going to settle for someone who is rude, disinterested, abusive, or anything else that would be a barrier to me being happy in my later years. I am finally putting myself first.

Is that wrong?

Ms. Fleet also wrote about another myth... that myth that a woman has "caught their limit" and should be resigned to living a life of widowhood... I don't know where this came from, but I have met women that are destined to living alone... because they don't want to remarry.

Granted, a few of them are widowed after years and years of marriage. My nanny, who was neither my nanny or any relation to me, had been married for more than fifty years, she never remarried. My aunt was widowed after fifty years of marriage, she never remarried... I get that.

I get the idea of loving and missing your spouse so much that you just don't want to marry yet... but for women that are  pretty young, the idea of not marrying because of some social or religious myth that it is just not good... eh, I guess to each his own, but my reasoning is just to not be stuck with someone that I think will fill a void.

This is the biggest reason. I don't want to 'fill a void'. I want to marry because the person is going to 'complete me' or at least compliment me.

October 17 -- Getting "Over" It...

When my husband passed away, it was sudden, to me it was terribly tragic, but it was of natural causes. I  suspect that it should have been easier on me to have lost a husband, since we had not been married terribly long in the scheme of things. I was young, in the scheme of things, and could 'get on' with my life... but probably because I had been through more trauma than many people in my situation, I mourned a lot more than what I see most women do.

I say that I see most women in my situation... because I have met, over the past ten years, a lot of widows. Women my own age, women who have lost husbands that they were married to longer than I was, and men as well, classmates that have lost their wives, who have got on with it... this thing called life.

I was pretty shocked when my father-in-law told me to get on with it just a month after my husband passed away. The last thing I ever thought about was getting remarried, but maybe he was worried about the six year old son that had just lost his father. But for him, my son, it was not that easy either. He loved his dad so much, had been inseparable from him at times... and he didn't want a substitute either.

Many people get remarried after the loss of a spouse. I don't have statistics, but most of the people that I know that are widows or widowers, have remarried within two years. Soooo, I went hunting. I turned to the internet once again, this lovely instrument of information, to find out a little about remarriage.

Huffington Post has an article, " Forget-Me-Never: The Reality of Remarriage After Widowhood". written by Carol Brody Fleet. This intrigued me, I started reading it and had to go off on a hunt, because in the first paragraph, the article stated that a well-known actor confessed to thinking about his dead wife even though he was remarried... I confess, I don't follow the 'fan' magazines, I don' t watch the shows on television about celebrities, and I rarely care what is going on in Hollywood. So I had no idea to whom the article was referring.

Google is really a working tool... it took me one go at it to find Martin Short, but I found a whole lot more. Pierce Brosnan, who lost his first wife to cancer, and people like Jackie Kennedy, who's husband was President John Kennedy, she remarried Onasis, but she never forgot her first love...

So, this all brought me to another article in Huffington Post, "Why There Is No Such Thing AS 'Getting Over Your Spouse's Death... And What To Focus On Instead" By the same author as the first article mentioned, Carol Brody Fleet. She put it so much better than I could. People told her that she should just 'get over it'... She shares that if you are not over it yet... "There is absolutely, positively nothing wrong with you!"

It is very hard to realize this when you have someone who should have loved your loved one just as much as you did...

How do you politely tell them that
One...
You aren't...
Two...
They shouldn't be...
Three...
You will in your own time...

Get over it, if not, it is really no other person's business how long it takes you to mourn.

October 16 -- Haunting

Yes, haunting.

Many people who have lost loved one to murder can be haunted by nightmares. Vivid visions of what happened to their loved ones are there, just as if you actually saw what happened. Especially if you have had to witness the trial of the suspects, there is enough evidence usually to give everyone nightmares.

Just hearing what happened to my father, without hearing many of the details, was enough to give me nightmares. I know that my mother had them for years. She would wake with a start over and over and over. I did as well. I saw with terrible clarity the gun, the shots, and the vision of my father, kneeling, falling over. It was vivid. It was horrible.

There is a  real push in our society, that we have to get over something like death. We have to go on, we have to act like all is right with the world...

A month after my husband died, my father-in-law told me... "You need to get on with your life, get remarried, and get on..."

I was floored, to say the least. This was his son... my husband, the father of my child... and I should get over him and get on?  How do you do that?  It has now been ten years, and I am still mourning. I don't know how you are supposed to get on with your life. Do you ever get over it?

I am still haunted by my father's death, I am also haunted by my husband's death... or not so much by his death, but by him. I still dream of him, just as sure that he is there as the pillow under my head. Is that really haunted? I mean, is that part of what is felt when someone dies? Remembering them so vividly, feeling that they are so close, so near that you can feel them. One night I felt that my husband was so close that I could smell him. I smelled his aftershave. I don't know if that was real or if it was a haunting... what would that be?

I know that my mother still dreams of my father. It has been over 45 years, and she still dreams of him so vividly that she feels that he has been near her.

Then there is the doppelganger. I see people all the time that look like my husband. Sometimes it isn't that they are the exact double, but they might look similar and walk similar, and to my eye, they are the same... Mom does as well... She was in the hospital for surgery, when she came to, she was pretty groggy, they were keeping her pretty sedated. Someone came into her room a few days into her stay and reminded her so much of my father that the next day, she relayed that he had been there. I didn't say anything to the contrary. I just said, oh, what did he say...

She couldn't remember anything except that he said he would come visit her again, and she didn't say much, after a while, she said... that wasn't your father, was it? ... no, Mom, I don't think it was.  There was pain there, for both of us. Her realizing that it wasn't her husband because he has been dead for so long, and me for him being dead, and worrying that I might have to tell her that he was... I just couldn't do that.

I haven't had the nightmare with my father being murdered in a long time. I don't want to ask mother whether or not she has. She is 93 now, and there is no way I could ask her. But on days when I think of him a lot, and let myself remember, I fear that I might. There is no precedent of that precipitating the dreams... but I never know what will set it off.

I've read the trial documents, and sometimes, the details are vivid. 

October 15 -- What is Different About the Pain

For most people, after the murder of a loved one, the getting back to normal may not come for a long time. There may not ever be a 'normal' ever again. At least that is the way it feels for me and my family. Mostly because the legal issues were drawn out, but also, because it was just so very difficult to come to terms with the idea of someone having the malice to kill another person was just not in the realm of our thinking.

Emotions after a murder have a different complexity than having a person die of natural causes, or to die unexpectedly in an accident or natural disaster. There is this disbelief that someone committed a crime, a crime against the person you love.

In our case, the crime was two fold. First the kidnapping, then the murder itself. I have not gone into the kidnapping, and I still don't want to, but to say the least, it was agony. These people had obviously construed in their minds that they could get money for my father. They obviously didn't care what happened to him, and by that, the police were worried for our safety as well. They thought that these people might be watching our house, they thought they might try to hurt us or take one of us as well? I didn't understand this.

And this is where some of the problems arise.

There is a fear, whether or not it is founded in fact or merely in illusory fear, there is a distrust. Strangers are to be avoided at all costs, the panic you feel is real, there is that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the racing of your heart, fight or flight instincts at their height.  That is real. This is one of those tangible emotions that people just do not understand unless they have been through the same trauma.

Other emotions, like anger, can be more intense. Anger towards the person that committed the crime, for sure, but also towards people that are trying to help. The police, for one, are often bear the brunt of the anger. They are not working hard enough, they are not finding evidence fast enough, they didn't stop the murder...

Heated anger can be towards friends and family as well. I know that people say things at times, not knowing what to say... they blurt out stupid things. It is very hard to bear the burden of having to identify your loved one, having to deal with police, hospital, morgue, funeral home, telling family and friends, making arrangements and dealing with costs, and money worries, just to have someone say something very insensitive... that can just set you off.

I've heard it all, probably.  From the asinine remarks like, "At least he will not suffer anymore..." to the really hurtful... "Did you tell him that you loved him, the last time you saw him?" ... I mean, what the hell? What if you had not said that? What guilt and hurt and utter pain would that person feel?  NEVER say something stupid like that.

For heaven's sake,  stop and think, BEFORE you talk to someone who has just lost a loved one, please, please think about what you will say. If you can't say something positive, like I will be here anytime you need someone to talk to... then don't say anything at all.

Anger isn't the only emotion, there is guilt... even if there is not anything you could have done, no way  to foresee the crime, nothing that could have forestalled the murder... there is a guilt that is there, as real as if you had done something wrong.

Blame, against yourself, against other people like the police and anyone that may have been involved, even bystanders or witnesses, and against God. Yes, blaming God is a normal thing in many cases. Why did you let this happen? Why didn't you stop it?... why?

October 14 -- Why I need to grow

Possibly, by yesterday's post, you might surmise that I need help. Mostly that I need to let go of some of the pain. It has followed me for the greater part of my life, that stabbing, tear jerking pain that surfaces to the top, to the very top and will not submerge again until I have had a good cry... or have cleaned the house from top to bottom.

That is how I have always dealt with it. Crying or cleaning. Sometimes crying and cleaning.

At some point, I need to be able to talk openly to people about this, and to somehow be able to help someone else who has gone through it, but how?

Since crimes, especially murder, have risen in the past forty years, there are more and more people like me. Hurt, angry, depressed, sad people that need help, there must be a way to help people who have been victims or families of victims, to get over the trauma... and so there is.

Bereavement groups are in every state. They can be found through hospitals, churches and synagogues, hospice, and various other organizations. Across the country, there are groups for people with like trauma. Whether it is for loss of a loved one to cancer, a loss of a child, loss due to natural disaster, or loss to murder, there is a group out there, welcoming people into their fold, ready to help ease the pain and suffering.

Now, there is the Crime Victim Compensation, which can go towards helping the family with burial costs, hospital bills (because even if a person is brought in dead, the hospital still charges expenses) and lost wages and support, which, believe me, is one of the most frightening things to face after a loved one dies...

For information on procedures to file visit this link to National Association of Crime Victim Compensation Boards to see what your state requires of the victims or their families.

There are a lot of other services to help families of murders since my father was killed. There is no cost counseling across the country, which can be a blessing. Murders not only leave a family grieving, in shock, and in disbelief, but they leave the family without money coming in, and because life insurance usually doesn't cover murder, they at times do not pay.      

Financial worries can cause people to forego counseling, leaving the pain, guilt, anger, and hopelessness unchecked and unresolved.

Getting on with your life can be tremendously complicated after a murder of a close relative. For me, I went back to school, kept my head down, and tried, tried very hard to not talk to anyone, let anyone see that I had emotions...

October 13, When you are in shock

I know I am jumping around in this. I am not being consistent with what I am trying to convey, but there is this  feeling that I need to hold it back, not delve too deeply in the past, not try to let it out... and I know I need to.

This business with my father's death is always there, always in the back of my mind. Always shaping the things that I do, things that I think.

My father was kidnapped. The men who did it were high, drunk, whatever their excuse was. They kept my father in the trunk of a car, then they took him to a secluded place in the city and shot him, execution style. Two bullets to the back of the head.

There is no way to ease in to it, there is no way to candy coat it... and this is why I have had a hard time writing it.


I tried to find a way to write what had happened so that it wouldn't hurt me so much... but it is like pulling a deeply rooted tree out, there is no easy way to do it. You just have to do it. This never gets easier, the pain never dulls when I speak about it.

Matter of fact, I don't speak of it much. Only a very few people know about it.

Sheltering myself is the only way I have dealt with this death. I have never tried to go to someone for help with it. I can't. I've spoken to counselors before, and I never brought this up. Like if you don't say it, it doesn't exist.

Hiding the fact that I had a very traumatic life after his death has been my only coping mechanism. People believe that if you have been through something so shocking, you must be a broken person, must be a basket case. How can you be walking around, talking to people, being a normal person?

Shock.

Shock is the only answer I have. The only answer I can give when people ask how you make it through something like this. You walk around in a daze, you do not know what is going on, you don't remember things, you can't really function but you  really pretend to do so.

Get dinner, do the dishes, wash the laundry, go to school, laugh with your friends, hope that they do not bring up anything... Being 14 should have exempted me from some of those things. It didn't. All of a sudden, I was in the role of mother. My mother shut down. She was literally 'out of it'. The doctors had pumped her so full of Valium that she didn't really know what was going on for a month or two.

I was getting myself to and from school, cooking, doing my own clothes. I also kept my sister's kids, she was working, so someone had to do it. This was a really tough time. I don' t know what I needed, I mean, really, what does a 14 year old need?

I did need guidance. Someone to tell me that things were ok. I needed to know it was ok to be angry, which never really occurred to me. I was angry, I was very angry, but I felt  guilty about being angry... I needed someone to tell me, Scream, shake your fist at the sky, be angry.... People tiptoed around me, they made me feel like I needed to be normal, I needed to be on an even keel, like this business shouldn't be talked about, should be stored away, and so that is what I did.

October 12 - How do you dress your kids and do you even take them to a funeral?

Sometimes, there are things you do that are probably not correct, sometimes you take your kids places that they probably shouldn't go. Me? I take my kids to funerals.

When my sister-in-law died, I took my son to the funeral, he didn't understand I am sure, he was way too young, and he was fussy and noisy, and I had to take him out in the vestibule, trying to keep him quiet. My daughter asked why I brought him with us... well... all of my babysitters happened to be there.

I really didn't think I should leave him with strangers when I could take him along, and my sister in law would have loved him being there, and would have probably laughed at him being noisy. She loved kids, he loved her... even though he was little.

Right after that, my aunt died. The aunt that had brought me up, when my mother was ill, I spent my time with my aunt... I took the kid.

Next was my mother-in-law, but she was pretty far away, I had my son and grandson( who are two years apart in age)  and my husband couldn't let go and leave (it was his stepmother but he loved her a lot) so I didn't try to go to the funeral, but she was my son's  favorite person to hang out with next to my mom. So, if I had gone, he would have as well.

Just a few months later, my brother passed away, we had been expecting it, he had been really sick since his wife had died, and we just kind of knew it would be soon, but it was still a shock. I took my son, because he loved my brother, and my brother loved him... so we went... my husband even wore a suit. He respected my brother that much.

One month later, my husband died.

Now, you would think that having that many funerals back to back, you would have some experience with what to wear, how to dress your kid... but... I was  just fragile enough that picking out my own clothes was too hard, how could I dress my own child?

Luckily, my daughter stepped up and helped a lot, she was really good about helping to pick out clothes for the boys. I say the boys, my son and grandson were, at that point, inseparable.  I had been keeping my grandson since he was just a few months old. So, I bought a suit jacket and pants, and she picked out shirt and ties and the boys were handsome, set to go.

I had a niece that had offered a suit, one her son wore to her mother's funeral, but it was too big still, so neither of the boys could wear it... I did keep it and it was put to lots of good use.

Unless you go through losing someone so close to you, how do you know what to do? I had lots of experience, but still... I was lost. I needed someone to lean on, someone to help me, to guide me... and thankfully, I had that.  My mother, who came to the hospital to be with me...  my daughter, my niece, other nieces that offered help. That is the only way I made it through. Without my family, I would have never made it... honestly. I was in such shock, such disbelief, such deep depression, that I don't think that I could have lived. I honestly didn't want to...

October 11, What do buy to wear for a funeral?

Two days before the funeral of my husband, I found myself standing in the middle of Ross thinking... how should I dress? All of a sudden, it was so real that I was about to bury my husband. How could I be shopping? I quickly grabbed a dress and thrust it at the attendant, went into the dressing room and cried.

Those were my first public tears. Not so public, but I was heard, which was enough public for me. The attendant came to the door and asked if I was okay. I sniffled loudly and told her yes... give me a minute.
One of my nieces called me, asking if I needed anything, I told her where I was and she told me to wait for  a bit and she would be there.

Sure enough, Amanda came to my rescue. I was lost and alone, and she came to help me. I just didn't know that it would hit me that hard, not knowing what to buy. I had gained weight  from the last pregnancy, and hadn't lost it, I had been sick, exhausted, and just too busy to care, and I just couldn't fit into any of my clothes. I didn't have any dresses that weren't skin tight, and I couldn't risk busting a seam during a funeral.

If I had not had that phone call, I don't know if I would have made it out of the store. Probably not out of the stall... surely there is a reason for everything. That phone call saved me. Sometimes, that is what we all need, someone to call us, to ask... just to be there.

I picked out a dark blue suit. Luckily there was something in my size, and I didn't have to look too far. I thanked my niece, I don't know if she ever has known the scope of what she did that day, but it was honestly one of those times that just having someone near was what  it took for me to pull myself together...

 I still wear that suit, and it reminds me of my husband.

October 10 Denial- actually helps

When my father died, I suppose that I only let in enough to comprehend what had happened, and not much else. I think I blocked out the reality,  the distinct danger the family was in, the certain physical and mental adjustments that would have to be made, and what would happen to us, as a family on the whole as well as our little nucleus of family.

My young brain wouldn't be able to understand most of that. I didn't get that we would be without an income, without that income, we would have to surely sell our home and move. I just couldn't think of any of the physical necessities. I really don't think that my mother was able to either.

Denial helps the mind. The process of denial actually gives the mind time to cope. We can pace our feelings through denial, allowing only enough in that we can handle. I don't believe that my mother was allowed to just deny. She was given medication to calm her down, to make her sleep, to 'help' her get through this time... she subsequently didn't remember much.

When my husband passed, I was asked if I wanted anything to 'help' me... I politely said no. I didn't want to forget, I didn't want to miss that part of what I believe was so necessary. I needed to be able to think, to allow in what I could process.

Psalm 43 verse 5-  Why my soul are you downcast?

measuring the ability to cope with grief, everyone is different, each individual has a different set of experiences, in life, in thought processes, each person had different ways of handling emotions, so there is not a set time, a set way to grieve.

I needed that pain, to make it real.

Not everyone has the chance to have  'experience' with a sudden loss. Not everyone has the opportunity to be able to stop friends and loved ones from pushing to have medication, to have well meaning friends and family to say and do things that are detrimental to the children. My mother, bless her heart, was literally 'out of it' for a week or more. I don't think she had the opportunity to think, to reflect, to pray, to do anything with a clear head, not that you can have a clear head at a time like that, but that clarity that is there without medication.

I had lost a spouse, not just a friend or loved one, but my 'soulmate'. It seemed that we were destined to meet, to marry, and to have children. How could he be gone? I don't remember thinking he was not dead, but I did deny the scope of it. I did deny that things were truly topsy turvy. I dealt with the family, friends, the funeral directions, and stupid decisions, like what in the world should I wear? How will the kids dress? Is there enough toilet paper in the house?

October 9, What can you learn from the Lakota?

Belief in the supreme being, or the Ibofanga, by the Lakota is parallel to the Judeo-Christian belief system. That the deity is the highest, the one that is over all things.Having a faith, having an abiding respect for a higher order, of a God, is soothing to the soul. The thought that there is a journey, a road that we all take, whether it is real or spirit filled, is a comfort to us.

That the soul is worthy to go on, to continue, to leave this realm, is also a comfort. Knowing that a person lived a good life, lived it well and has made an impression on people as well as that higher power, must be top in the Lakota mind, especially in the mind of the Soul Keeper.

To know that your loved one is going on, without pain or suffering, must be a huge comfort at the time of release. I think that giving a year to keep the Soul Bundle close, well guarded, must give time for the time of denial to work it's way out of the system.

Honestly, I do not believe that anyone, ever, should make life decisions during the first year after a death. Friends and family should step in and help out, even for the most stubborn and independent people who have lost a close loved one, because there is no way your mind actually can work through anything complicated or emotional during that time.

People will argue that it is done all the time, and again... everyone is different, because of experience, etc. but... I'm saying it again, you should not make any life altering decisions within that first year of mourning.

Other than to physically hold on to the Spirit Bundle, and then let go, my take on what the first people believe is that there is a journey, a journey we make, either alone or with others, that continues on. If we are worthy, we go on, if we aren't, we are destined to hang around, and maybe, that is punishment for not being a good person? Maybe being in this realm, neither here nor there is what it mean to be in Hell? I know there is what is called purgatory, that the soul is stuck, but I feel like this is maybe another parallel that is just too familiar not to be an actual thing. 

I continually hear that this part of the Judeo-Christian belief system is only to control people... or I believe the term I hear most often, is ... to control weak minded and children, who fear death, and need a  bedtime story to sooth them.

Any thoughts?

October 8, 2018 Native American Coping with Grief

 The Lakota deal with death  in a powerful way. First, as mentioned before, they believe that the person doesn't actually die, they are only continuing on their journey, second, they believe in another realm. The Wakan Tanka, is the sky spirit world that those who  have passed on go to, where there is peace and no pain.

There are also ceremonies, performed for various purposes, that prepare the soul, not just the deceased, but also the ones left behind, prepare for Wakan Tanka.  Among these ceremonies is a purification ceremony, where a bit of hair is cut from the dead, it is purified in smoke, and kept by the 'Soul Keeper' for a year. Then the "Soul Bundle", the purified hair, is released and the soul can go to the spirit world, or not...

Here is where beliefs are similar to Christianity. The soul may not pass on to the spirit world of Wakan Tanka unless it is worthy.Now this article didn't say exactly who decides that the soul is worthy, but here is where personal knowledge kicks in.

I am not Lakota, however, I am Native American. My mother's family and my father's family have quite an illustrious group of people, and I have tracked back to several tribes in my own family, each having varying belief systems, but the most close to the Lakota are the  Muscogee Creek. My grandmother had very specific beliefs, and those were instilled by her mother, mostly, and then her extended family. Her father probably wouldn't have accepted all the hoopla, since he was a doctor, however, I have heard that he was a firm believer in the power of medicine, not just scientific but also of home remedies, many are thought to have come from Native medicine.

Things my grandmother believed that were specific but not only related to the Muscogee were the death and burial of loved ones. They are similar for most people, really... not leaving the body alone before burial, the purification, or cleansing of the body and spirit, holding a get together the night before burial to mourn and celebrate the deceased. Another is to  put something into the casket, a keepsake, and maybe some food, you know, for that journey. Also to sprinkle dirt into the grave, everyone drops a bit before the grave is filled. Then there is the belief in the one being, or the Ibofanga.