Growing out of this grief, making myself look really hard at it, trying to find a solution to help myself, is one of the hardest challenges that I have ever set for myself. Just being able to open up has helped so much. I almost didn't post the days that I wrote about my father's death. I almost couldn't... eventually, after thinking about it, praying about it, and rereading those posts... I did.
Knowing that the world didn't end after posting was kind of a relief.
NO, I didn't really think that the world would end somehow if I posted about my father's murder. I just didn't think that I wanted other people to know... that coping mechanism of ... if no one knows, they can't think of me in a different light... kind of took over for a bit.
I never wanted to stand out in any way, I didn't want to be looked at as different...
Oops, too late... I already stick out like a sore thumb... adding something like the truth about my father's death isn't going to be a big deal. I think that I needed to actually just share. Even if no one reads this blog, I feel like I did it.
So, how do you grow? How do you feel like you are not just wallowing in self-pity, or just wallowing in the sorrow, or the fear? This is what is needed in not just me, but in all my family members, to grow out of the pain.
I heard a quote the other day, I don' t know where it came from but it was appropriate... Stop worrying over what might have been and look forward to what can be.
Wow, that is a great quote.
The Wiki-How article that I happened onto had a section about avoiding the triggers in your life that caused grief. One of the things listed was birthdays... which is something that I avoided at all costs. Not my husband's birthday, but that of my son's. You see, we were in the middle of having my son's sixth birthday party when my husband collapsed and died.
For the next four or five years, we were away from home on my son's birthday. More for me than for my son. Though I don't think he really noticed or that it bothered him, but I didn't want to be home on that day. So I found so many other places we could be. We celebrated the first year by a trip to the zoo, the next, a trip to see his sister, another year, spending it with friends, another... well, you get the idea. I simply, and possibly without really thinking about it too much, found ways to be away from home on the anniversary of my husband's death.
Did that help?
Maybe. At least it gave me time to slow it down, that process of pain, and have a breather from the reminders that my husband collapsed in the back yard, and there was nothing I could do but CPR, and hope that the paramedics would hurry.
Did this help to grow? No.
It helped me to avoid, not grow. When I finally decided that we had to stay home, it was because school wasn't out and my son couldn't miss anymore... so we literally had to stay home. I didn't have a choice in the matter. So, the pain was there, the pain was real, but I was able to deal with it in a better way I think. It wasn't such an open wound.
One good idea that other people have given me over the years is to give back in my husband's name. To donate to charity in his name. One of his brothers bought a tile that has my husband's name on it in the AT&T stadium... which is both an honor and kind of a joke. My husband loved football, he always rooted for the Washington Redskins, mostly out of wanting to be the instigator of discord in the house! His family were devout Dallas Cowboy fans, so he stirred up trouble by rooting for their arch rivals...
So having that as a reminder that he is deep in the heart of Texas, always brings a smile to me. He was also memorialized by having money donated to a scholarship in his name. My husband would have loved this. He wanted so much for our son to go on to college and to make something of himself, but he also wanted other kids to have the chance to learn and better themselves. I know that this would make him proud.
How else can you give back? I have donated time to charities, which has really made me feel better. I know that allowing myself to stay busy is in a way, delaying some of the pain, but it is also helping other people. Over the years I have been part of numerous organizations, donating money and time to all of them. Volunteering at the school has been the most rewarding. Helping to make school a better place has been at the top of my list since my son was little. I try to volunteer as often as possible, and now I'm on the Booster Board for my son's high school band. That takes up a lot of hours, does it help?
Yes!
This takes up time but it is not 'avoiding the pain' kind of time. It is a very useful tool for the growth of my son, making sure that the uniforms are mended, props are completed, and that they are fed and on time... that is helping him to be better and the whole band to be better... so that, to me, is a growing tool for me. I am doing something that his father would have loved, and I know that if he was alive, he would have been up there helping out as well.
Knowing that the world didn't end after posting was kind of a relief.
NO, I didn't really think that the world would end somehow if I posted about my father's murder. I just didn't think that I wanted other people to know... that coping mechanism of ... if no one knows, they can't think of me in a different light... kind of took over for a bit.
I never wanted to stand out in any way, I didn't want to be looked at as different...
Oops, too late... I already stick out like a sore thumb... adding something like the truth about my father's death isn't going to be a big deal. I think that I needed to actually just share. Even if no one reads this blog, I feel like I did it.
So, how do you grow? How do you feel like you are not just wallowing in self-pity, or just wallowing in the sorrow, or the fear? This is what is needed in not just me, but in all my family members, to grow out of the pain.
I heard a quote the other day, I don' t know where it came from but it was appropriate... Stop worrying over what might have been and look forward to what can be.
Wow, that is a great quote.
The Wiki-How article that I happened onto had a section about avoiding the triggers in your life that caused grief. One of the things listed was birthdays... which is something that I avoided at all costs. Not my husband's birthday, but that of my son's. You see, we were in the middle of having my son's sixth birthday party when my husband collapsed and died.
For the next four or five years, we were away from home on my son's birthday. More for me than for my son. Though I don't think he really noticed or that it bothered him, but I didn't want to be home on that day. So I found so many other places we could be. We celebrated the first year by a trip to the zoo, the next, a trip to see his sister, another year, spending it with friends, another... well, you get the idea. I simply, and possibly without really thinking about it too much, found ways to be away from home on the anniversary of my husband's death.
Did that help?
Maybe. At least it gave me time to slow it down, that process of pain, and have a breather from the reminders that my husband collapsed in the back yard, and there was nothing I could do but CPR, and hope that the paramedics would hurry.
Did this help to grow? No.
It helped me to avoid, not grow. When I finally decided that we had to stay home, it was because school wasn't out and my son couldn't miss anymore... so we literally had to stay home. I didn't have a choice in the matter. So, the pain was there, the pain was real, but I was able to deal with it in a better way I think. It wasn't such an open wound.
One good idea that other people have given me over the years is to give back in my husband's name. To donate to charity in his name. One of his brothers bought a tile that has my husband's name on it in the AT&T stadium... which is both an honor and kind of a joke. My husband loved football, he always rooted for the Washington Redskins, mostly out of wanting to be the instigator of discord in the house! His family were devout Dallas Cowboy fans, so he stirred up trouble by rooting for their arch rivals...
So having that as a reminder that he is deep in the heart of Texas, always brings a smile to me. He was also memorialized by having money donated to a scholarship in his name. My husband would have loved this. He wanted so much for our son to go on to college and to make something of himself, but he also wanted other kids to have the chance to learn and better themselves. I know that this would make him proud.
How else can you give back? I have donated time to charities, which has really made me feel better. I know that allowing myself to stay busy is in a way, delaying some of the pain, but it is also helping other people. Over the years I have been part of numerous organizations, donating money and time to all of them. Volunteering at the school has been the most rewarding. Helping to make school a better place has been at the top of my list since my son was little. I try to volunteer as often as possible, and now I'm on the Booster Board for my son's high school band. That takes up a lot of hours, does it help?
Yes!
This takes up time but it is not 'avoiding the pain' kind of time. It is a very useful tool for the growth of my son, making sure that the uniforms are mended, props are completed, and that they are fed and on time... that is helping him to be better and the whole band to be better... so that, to me, is a growing tool for me. I am doing something that his father would have loved, and I know that if he was alive, he would have been up there helping out as well.
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