Discord within the family?
Does a person create it when they choose to remarry after the death of a loved one? In many cases, I would suspect that it does. In my own case, watching my own mother remarry after years of being single after the death of my father, it was not, at least to me, unusual.
My grandmother did not remarry after my grandfather passed away, nor did our family friends who had lost husbands, but they were all older. My mother, after being married for 32 years, was a widow, but not of natural causes, and she was still relatively young.
I had no problem with her decision to date, nor of her decision to remarry. However, it did teach me a very good lesson: Do not remarry someone that is not going to make you happy.
Oh, I suspect that my mother was tremendously happy at first. She really loved her second husband, they had a lot of fun together, and he was handsome, a hard worker, and he was nice to us, her children. But he drank. He drank too much, and that was the downfall. He got belligerent when he drank too much, and I don't think in all the years that my parents were married, they had a serious fight. I mean, they had spats, my mother cried when she didn't get her way, but they didn't have rows.
Feeling betrayal is probably a very real feeling for someone who is close to a widow who remarries, though I never felt that, I could imagine my son feeling that. He was just six when his father died. It was terribly painful for him, and I know that he would probably feel like I have forgotten his father if I just up and married quickly.
He has seen me grow, to become stronger over the years, able to support him and raise him in the way his father wanted him to grow up. We discuss his father a lot. I don't want him to ever forget the little things that he will probably forget over the years. We go and sit at the cemetery, which is one privilege that I didn't have, my father was buried near his home town, and we talk about his dad. It is heartbreaking at times, but usually we leave feeling a bit better, a bit more grounded.
Visiting the grave should be a joyous and peaceful thing, with time to reflect on good times and how fun and wonderful the family member was. I remind my son of things that his father did with him, like carrying him on his shoulders and ducking under doorways, which my son always giggled over... or how when he was sick as a baby, he laid on his dad's chest and slept... those things that make him remember his father as that loving person that he was.
If I remarried, I would do the same. One of the people that I dated, I guess you would call it dating... maybe more like befriended, has come with us to the graveyard. Has been there while we put out flowers, laid a rock on the headstone, and sat and talked... it is kind of nice, to share that with someone else. To know that it isn't odd, or maybe it is and my friend just didn't say anything to the contrary?
Whichever it is, it is us. We have bonded during these visits, and my son sees that I still care deeply about his father. I guess I want him to know that his father is still there, still fresh in our minds, still relevant. I go by myself at times, I go through the same ritual. I put out flowers, lay a rock on the headstone, and sit on the bench near it. The only difference is that I sit and cry. I don't do that when my son is with me. I don't want him to see me cry all the time, I did that too much when the death was new. I want him to think that I am better, that it is ok to grieve then to remember in fond ways...
Is that normal?
I don' t have a clue anymore of what is normal and what isn't. But I am trying to grow, bit by bit, into a stronger person that my son thinks that I am.
Does a person create it when they choose to remarry after the death of a loved one? In many cases, I would suspect that it does. In my own case, watching my own mother remarry after years of being single after the death of my father, it was not, at least to me, unusual.
My grandmother did not remarry after my grandfather passed away, nor did our family friends who had lost husbands, but they were all older. My mother, after being married for 32 years, was a widow, but not of natural causes, and she was still relatively young.
I had no problem with her decision to date, nor of her decision to remarry. However, it did teach me a very good lesson: Do not remarry someone that is not going to make you happy.
Oh, I suspect that my mother was tremendously happy at first. She really loved her second husband, they had a lot of fun together, and he was handsome, a hard worker, and he was nice to us, her children. But he drank. He drank too much, and that was the downfall. He got belligerent when he drank too much, and I don't think in all the years that my parents were married, they had a serious fight. I mean, they had spats, my mother cried when she didn't get her way, but they didn't have rows.
Feeling betrayal is probably a very real feeling for someone who is close to a widow who remarries, though I never felt that, I could imagine my son feeling that. He was just six when his father died. It was terribly painful for him, and I know that he would probably feel like I have forgotten his father if I just up and married quickly.
He has seen me grow, to become stronger over the years, able to support him and raise him in the way his father wanted him to grow up. We discuss his father a lot. I don't want him to ever forget the little things that he will probably forget over the years. We go and sit at the cemetery, which is one privilege that I didn't have, my father was buried near his home town, and we talk about his dad. It is heartbreaking at times, but usually we leave feeling a bit better, a bit more grounded.
Visiting the grave should be a joyous and peaceful thing, with time to reflect on good times and how fun and wonderful the family member was. I remind my son of things that his father did with him, like carrying him on his shoulders and ducking under doorways, which my son always giggled over... or how when he was sick as a baby, he laid on his dad's chest and slept... those things that make him remember his father as that loving person that he was.
If I remarried, I would do the same. One of the people that I dated, I guess you would call it dating... maybe more like befriended, has come with us to the graveyard. Has been there while we put out flowers, laid a rock on the headstone, and sat and talked... it is kind of nice, to share that with someone else. To know that it isn't odd, or maybe it is and my friend just didn't say anything to the contrary?
Whichever it is, it is us. We have bonded during these visits, and my son sees that I still care deeply about his father. I guess I want him to know that his father is still there, still fresh in our minds, still relevant. I go by myself at times, I go through the same ritual. I put out flowers, lay a rock on the headstone, and sit on the bench near it. The only difference is that I sit and cry. I don't do that when my son is with me. I don't want him to see me cry all the time, I did that too much when the death was new. I want him to think that I am better, that it is ok to grieve then to remember in fond ways...
Is that normal?
I don' t have a clue anymore of what is normal and what isn't. But I am trying to grow, bit by bit, into a stronger person that my son thinks that I am.
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