For most people, after the murder of a loved one, the getting back to normal may not come for a long time. There may not ever be a 'normal' ever again. At least that is the way it feels for me and my family. Mostly because the legal issues were drawn out, but also, because it was just so very difficult to come to terms with the idea of someone having the malice to kill another person was just not in the realm of our thinking.
Emotions after a murder have a different complexity than having a person die of natural causes, or to die unexpectedly in an accident or natural disaster. There is this disbelief that someone committed a crime, a crime against the person you love.
In our case, the crime was two fold. First the kidnapping, then the murder itself. I have not gone into the kidnapping, and I still don't want to, but to say the least, it was agony. These people had obviously construed in their minds that they could get money for my father. They obviously didn't care what happened to him, and by that, the police were worried for our safety as well. They thought that these people might be watching our house, they thought they might try to hurt us or take one of us as well? I didn't understand this.
And this is where some of the problems arise.
There is a fear, whether or not it is founded in fact or merely in illusory fear, there is a distrust. Strangers are to be avoided at all costs, the panic you feel is real, there is that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the racing of your heart, fight or flight instincts at their height. That is real. This is one of those tangible emotions that people just do not understand unless they have been through the same trauma.
Other emotions, like anger, can be more intense. Anger towards the person that committed the crime, for sure, but also towards people that are trying to help. The police, for one, are often bear the brunt of the anger. They are not working hard enough, they are not finding evidence fast enough, they didn't stop the murder...
Heated anger can be towards friends and family as well. I know that people say things at times, not knowing what to say... they blurt out stupid things. It is very hard to bear the burden of having to identify your loved one, having to deal with police, hospital, morgue, funeral home, telling family and friends, making arrangements and dealing with costs, and money worries, just to have someone say something very insensitive... that can just set you off.
I've heard it all, probably. From the asinine remarks like, "At least he will not suffer anymore..." to the really hurtful... "Did you tell him that you loved him, the last time you saw him?" ... I mean, what the hell? What if you had not said that? What guilt and hurt and utter pain would that person feel? NEVER say something stupid like that.
For heaven's sake, stop and think, BEFORE you talk to someone who has just lost a loved one, please, please think about what you will say. If you can't say something positive, like I will be here anytime you need someone to talk to... then don't say anything at all.
Anger isn't the only emotion, there is guilt... even if there is not anything you could have done, no way to foresee the crime, nothing that could have forestalled the murder... there is a guilt that is there, as real as if you had done something wrong.
Blame, against yourself, against other people like the police and anyone that may have been involved, even bystanders or witnesses, and against God. Yes, blaming God is a normal thing in many cases. Why did you let this happen? Why didn't you stop it?... why?
Emotions after a murder have a different complexity than having a person die of natural causes, or to die unexpectedly in an accident or natural disaster. There is this disbelief that someone committed a crime, a crime against the person you love.
In our case, the crime was two fold. First the kidnapping, then the murder itself. I have not gone into the kidnapping, and I still don't want to, but to say the least, it was agony. These people had obviously construed in their minds that they could get money for my father. They obviously didn't care what happened to him, and by that, the police were worried for our safety as well. They thought that these people might be watching our house, they thought they might try to hurt us or take one of us as well? I didn't understand this.
And this is where some of the problems arise.
There is a fear, whether or not it is founded in fact or merely in illusory fear, there is a distrust. Strangers are to be avoided at all costs, the panic you feel is real, there is that feeling in the pit of your stomach, the racing of your heart, fight or flight instincts at their height. That is real. This is one of those tangible emotions that people just do not understand unless they have been through the same trauma.
Other emotions, like anger, can be more intense. Anger towards the person that committed the crime, for sure, but also towards people that are trying to help. The police, for one, are often bear the brunt of the anger. They are not working hard enough, they are not finding evidence fast enough, they didn't stop the murder...
Heated anger can be towards friends and family as well. I know that people say things at times, not knowing what to say... they blurt out stupid things. It is very hard to bear the burden of having to identify your loved one, having to deal with police, hospital, morgue, funeral home, telling family and friends, making arrangements and dealing with costs, and money worries, just to have someone say something very insensitive... that can just set you off.
I've heard it all, probably. From the asinine remarks like, "At least he will not suffer anymore..." to the really hurtful... "Did you tell him that you loved him, the last time you saw him?" ... I mean, what the hell? What if you had not said that? What guilt and hurt and utter pain would that person feel? NEVER say something stupid like that.
For heaven's sake, stop and think, BEFORE you talk to someone who has just lost a loved one, please, please think about what you will say. If you can't say something positive, like I will be here anytime you need someone to talk to... then don't say anything at all.
Anger isn't the only emotion, there is guilt... even if there is not anything you could have done, no way to foresee the crime, nothing that could have forestalled the murder... there is a guilt that is there, as real as if you had done something wrong.
Blame, against yourself, against other people like the police and anyone that may have been involved, even bystanders or witnesses, and against God. Yes, blaming God is a normal thing in many cases. Why did you let this happen? Why didn't you stop it?... why?
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