If you have read the first of my blog, you will know that I am and have been for many years, in a constant state of grief. It is at times overwhelming, and I am trying to dig my way out of the misery and pain that seem to encapsulate me. This is my journey into well being, into sanity if you will.
I left off yesterday at a place that I had to. It was at the mention of my father's death.
This was the death, above all others, that shaped my life the most. It rocked our whole family, left us in shock and despair for many years. This was not the run of the mill death. It was not a heart attack or stroke, or car accident. This is why it is so difficult for me to face. I tell very few people about this.
Mainly, I suppose, it is my coping mechanism to keep people at bay, to keep my secret so I do not have to deal with the emotions again, yet the emotions are still there, just under the surface as if it were a splinter gathering purulent fluids around it, which at any moment could burst forth with a messy, disgusting discharge of bodily fluid. Only, it will be salty lacrimal tears.
Truth is, I probably have avoided the subject in so many relationships, whether it was with a boyfriend, longtime friend, new acquaintance, employer, that most people I have met over the past 44 years never knew about my father's death, let alone how it happened.
The whole reason I started thinking about this subject for my blog challenge this year was because I told my boss about my father about a month ago. I had never said much about my family before this... but it seemed appropriate at the time. I kind of blurted it out. Please understand, this is not in any way normal for me, but I have known my boss for over a year, and she and I share a pretty close working relationship. We share the same office during testing of students, and we have a very close mutual friend, so I feel rather comfortable with her.
After I lay bare my soul, well, not really laid bare, after I told her the overall details, I don't know if she believed me, because she said something that made me think that she didn't... but the truth is strange, bizarre, and if you couldn't look it up, maybe you would think so as well, but it is a matter of public records. So anyone can actually look it up, though I have as yet to do so.
I left off yesterday at a place that I had to. It was at the mention of my father's death.
This was the death, above all others, that shaped my life the most. It rocked our whole family, left us in shock and despair for many years. This was not the run of the mill death. It was not a heart attack or stroke, or car accident. This is why it is so difficult for me to face. I tell very few people about this.
Mainly, I suppose, it is my coping mechanism to keep people at bay, to keep my secret so I do not have to deal with the emotions again, yet the emotions are still there, just under the surface as if it were a splinter gathering purulent fluids around it, which at any moment could burst forth with a messy, disgusting discharge of bodily fluid. Only, it will be salty lacrimal tears.
Truth is, I probably have avoided the subject in so many relationships, whether it was with a boyfriend, longtime friend, new acquaintance, employer, that most people I have met over the past 44 years never knew about my father's death, let alone how it happened.
The whole reason I started thinking about this subject for my blog challenge this year was because I told my boss about my father about a month ago. I had never said much about my family before this... but it seemed appropriate at the time. I kind of blurted it out. Please understand, this is not in any way normal for me, but I have known my boss for over a year, and she and I share a pretty close working relationship. We share the same office during testing of students, and we have a very close mutual friend, so I feel rather comfortable with her.
After I lay bare my soul, well, not really laid bare, after I told her the overall details, I don't know if she believed me, because she said something that made me think that she didn't... but the truth is strange, bizarre, and if you couldn't look it up, maybe you would think so as well, but it is a matter of public records. So anyone can actually look it up, though I have as yet to do so.
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