October 20-- Don't Rush it

For me, watching my mother go through changes quickly, probably brought a bit of stubbornness when my own husband passed away, I think that I was thinking of something along the lines of this quote all along. I saw my mother get rid of things because they reminded her of my father and of the pain that it brought her. Things like his car, which she really didn't need to keep, but maybe my brothers would have wanted it... she sold the house, moved us very quickly, I could see that, because she was terrified about the people that killed her husband, worried that they might come and hurt us.... but there were other things, like her wedding ring, she got a smaller ring that she didn't wear much... that was something that was shocking to me, that she got rid of something that was so very bonding...

Anyway, I really took it to heart that you shouldn't make decisions quickly after losing a spouse. I didn't want to change anything. I eventually, after a year, boxed up clothing out of my husband's closet. I didn't remove everything though. The jeans and shirt that he took off that day when he got in from work were still laying over his chair for a couple of years. I just couldn't move them.

There are so many things that you shouldn't do right after the death of a spouse... People need to stop and think about this way before it happens to them... and should think before they try to rush anyone who is grieving. Matter of fact, PLEASE do NOT rush someone into any type of decision after the death of a loved one.

It is tremendously hard on a person to make decisions while they are in grief. I was researching about grief and found this appropriate quote in, of all places, Wiki How...

"... in the loss of your spouse, you have faced a drastic change. It is best not to make any other drastic changes right away while you are still navigating your loss."

I wish someone had told my mother this.

I chose to stay in my husband's house, the one that he had bought with his first wife, as a way to keep my son grounded, I suppose. That and the thought that it was going to be  hard to sell the house without some major overhauls. I think it was the right decision. My son doesn't like change. He likes to be settled, on an even keel every day, I have to confess that I do as well. I think that is one of the things that I loved about my husband. He liked to be settled every day as well. Grounded.

My husband lived, for the greater share of his life, within a mile of where he grew up.  That is to say, he bought a house, got married, then bought another house within one  mile of the house his parents bought when they moved here when he was 2. When I met him, I thought this was wonderful! I had grown up in a family and married into a life of transfers from town to town, state to state. I had lived in numerous houses and towns, not ever feeling grounded. I thought it was quaint, and really nice that he lived like he did.

Changes happen quickly when you become a widow. I had to go back to work quickly, since we had decided that staying home was best while I was pregnant and while our son was little, I had quit my job and really enjoyed being home with my son and the quick addition of my grandson. Going back to work was really difficult for me.

The job that I took was the first that was not the first offered to me, but it was the second, and I didn't think it would be right for me, but it has turned out to be a more stable job than most, so I have been with it for ten years now. Maybe it wasn't a rash decision,  but some women, after staying home and find they are left in the predicament of being sole breadwinner, often do take jobs that are not right, are not stable, and that only adds to the financial burden as well as the stress that is brought on by the whole situation.

Other things that can cause undue burden and stress can be as simple as cleaning house.

I could not take the clothes from off the back of the chair where my husband had laid his work clothes after coming home that day. They stayed there for over a year. I just couldn't do it. I did, after a year, clean out my husband's closet. I sat and cried, packed a few things, sat and cried...

Never had I thought that I would need to clean his closet out. That was his domain, his sanctuary, and his store room... I didn't go in there except to hang clothes. That was the one place in the house that he was able to put away presents, keep his important memorabilia, and outdated clothes that he really loved and didn't want to get rid of.

Crying over the toys I knew he had bought for our son and grandson was enough to set me into jagged tears. I boxed most of his things, especially the toys, etc. I have, over the years, given gifts every year in his name... things that he had bought, things he had stashed away...

Other things of my husband's, like his jerseys and footballs, basketballs, baseballs, baseball cards... are now packed away, awaiting a time when my son will go through and pick what he wants to keep. I don't think it was my place to get rid of any of it. I can't make the decision to get rid of things that my son might want to keep.

When his father died, he was way too young to make decisions of what to keep or not, so, I have kept most of the stuff... Even if he was older, I probably would have kept the stuff... I don't think you have the presence to decide what you want to keep, like class rings, or some trinket or anything for that matter, especially when you are a kid.

So, maybe I have hoarded things for a long time... maybe it is time to start to get rid of things tha tmay b e unnecessary to keep. Maybe that will help to come out of this state of suspension... but I'm not sure my son is ready to choose the things he wants to keep...